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[cacotopia]

● ○ ○ ○

PETRE DODRESCU,
somewhere in his thirties

MESSAGES | BOOTY CALLS
ETCETERA

CODE BY

Comments

[sunmon]

But you would.
You would do that to him, if he rejected you too.

[cacotopia]

no [ But he did get angry, that night. He did think of Caleb. ] i don't know
depends on how messed up i am
this place does weird shit to me

alina is someone hurting you

[sunmon]

No.
No, I'm not hurt.
But I think I misjudged someone again.

[cacotopia]

what did they do

[sunmon]

Tortured someone she cared about in the worst way you can imagine.
And I just...
What's stopping that from being me?

[cacotopia]

i guess it depends
either you let her have the power and believe it won't happen to you
or you become strong enough to make sure she won't succeed if she tries

[sunmon]

I don't want to have to arm myself against people I care about.
I want to trust them.
But how can I trust someone who'd do something like that?

[cacotopia]

i guess that's the wrong question then
and what you need to decide is if you want to trust that person or to keep them around

[sunmon]

I want this to have never happened.
I want her to be the person I thought she was.
A person who'd never do something like this, to anyone.

[ even though she had told alina over and over again that she was precisely that kind of person. ]

[cacotopia]

i knew someone back home who could do that
turn people into someone new
better

[ Technically, he can too. ]

[sunmon]

What do you mean by that?
Turn people into someone new.

[cacotopia]

i'm not who i was
i had one life until i turned 18
then she came along and made me better
i have power now and nobody can do shit to me anymore

[ More a delusion than a deliberate lie. ]

[sunmon]

Made you better how?
Just because of your power?
Because power isn't going to fix this. Power is what caused this.

[cacotopia]

it's what fixed me

[sunmon]

It didn't fix me.
It ruined me.

[cacotopia]

ruined you how

[sunmon]

Made me someone I hate.
Instead of just someone that everyone else hates.

[cacotopia]

a lot of people end up that way
with or without power
i prefer having it than not

[sunmon]

I agree.
I wouldn't want to give it up.
But I do wonder sometimes if I should.

[cacotopia]

what would you give it up for?

[sunmon]

Nothing. Not until I get back to Ravka, and use it to destroy the Fold.

[cacotopia]

then you're wondering about nothing
sounds like a waste of time to me
doesn't it?

(cw: toxic relationship shit)

[sunmon]

Am I?

[ maybe he's right. she traces the path to this line of thinking, recalls ianthe, and her commitment to power. power at any cost. for coronabeth. toxic as it was, she felt it was so necessary. maybe that was as much as alina deserved. someone with the same unflinching need for power that she had. maybe that was the kind of person she'd become. ]

Maybe so.

[cacotopia]

you said it yourself
what's the point of wondering about giving up something if there's nothing you'd give it up for?

[sunmon]

Thanks for talking with me.