[ she doesn’t say: i chose you. she doesn’t say she chose him, right at the end, and ended up here for the trouble. that she chose other people in his absence, because Jem just wants to be happy.
she doesn’t say that sometimes she is unhappy. that sometimes she’s so jealous and miserable it makes her sick, because that, like everything else she is and has been, is hypocritical, and selfish, and wrong. she feels like a shell of a human being sometimes, clawing desperately to remember right and wrong, the gospel according to how she remembers Kieren Walker. that’s unfair too; Kieren never asked for this, would never want the responsibility. but he’s never quite understood how desperately Jem needs the guidance; that she needs someone to point her right, otherwise she spirals. it all goes wrong.
under it all, Jem wonders: why am i never worthy.]
[ Pessimism seeping through. Maybe he feels it coming from her. Maybe they've both tasted the same poison so many times they can't even tell who is drinking it right now. ]
it's always going to be that way except with her everyone's gonna fuck me over everyone's gonna leave me when i fuck up even my stupid fucking brother
[ Wesley. Caleb wasn't even close to being family. Just a toy, until the day Petre realized he was the one Caleb didn't want to play with anymore. ]
the sooner you realize that the better that's my advice
yeah. and now people think i'm like, crazy lol. or a bitch.
and maybe i'm both. idk. it's exhausting, being here, trying to exist, to stay human, follow the rules, don't follow the rules.
i just want to be happy, with the people i care about. i just want to be able to look after those people, and have them idk respect me. want to keep me safe too. and if i fuck up, it puts them at risk. but everything i do feels like it's somehow a fuck up, so!
do something fucking insane anything that would fuck things up for you even more idgaf what, let your imagination fly then tell your buddies i made you do it they already wanna kick my ass anyway
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she doesn’t say that sometimes she is unhappy. that sometimes she’s so jealous and miserable it makes her sick, because that, like everything else she is and has been, is hypocritical, and selfish, and wrong. she feels like a shell of a human being sometimes, clawing desperately to remember right and wrong, the gospel according to how she remembers Kieren Walker. that’s unfair too; Kieren never asked for this, would never want the responsibility. but he’s never quite understood how desperately Jem needs the guidance; that she needs someone to point her right, otherwise she spirals. it all goes wrong.
under it all, Jem wonders: why am i never worthy.]
yeah
maybe.
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it's not maybe
[ Pessimism seeping through. Maybe he feels it coming from her. Maybe they've both tasted the same poison so many times they can't even tell who is drinking it right now. ]
it's always going to be that way except with her
everyone's gonna fuck me over
everyone's gonna leave me when i fuck up
even my stupid fucking brother
[ Wesley. Caleb wasn't even close to being family. Just a toy, until the day Petre realized he was the one Caleb didn't want to play with anymore. ]
the sooner you realize that the better
that's my advice
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have you tried not caring about fucking up
since it doesn't get us anywhere
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and now people think i'm like, crazy lol. or a bitch.
and maybe i'm both. idk. it's exhausting, being here, trying to exist, to stay human, follow the rules, don't follow the rules.
i just want to be happy, with the people i care about. i just want to be able to look after those people, and have them idk
respect me.
want to keep me safe too. and if i fuck up, it puts them at risk. but everything i do feels like it's somehow a fuck up, so!
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Hmmmmm. ]
i got an idea
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do something fucking insane
anything that would fuck things up for you even more
idgaf what, let your imagination fly
then tell your buddies i made you do it
they already wanna kick my ass anyway
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no thanks
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anyway that's my one time scapegoat card
up to you
just give me a heads up so i can play the part
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bad girl?
idk who cares
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you barely tolerate me, so why
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where they just stare at the camera looking dead-eyed
that's me rn
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my brothers best mate did that about being gay
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