[ a long moment passes. enough time that it might seem like she’s gone, cut off the conversation entirely if not for the constant thrum on the other end that is Jem and her thoughts, mulling, tumbling, pouring.
she pretends this is her Petre, just for a minute. just for a brief, indulgent stretch of a day. ]
kieren killed himself when i was 14.
he didn’t stop and think about how much i needed him. how much mum and dad needed him, or that we loved him, or that he was the thing that kept us all held together. he didn’t take a second to think about what it would do to me - to us. he didn’t choose me, he chose -
i know that isn’t fair. or even right, really, but he didn’t even really choose me when he came back. he said he was sorry, he said he missed me, that all he could think about was coming home to see me, but he still didn’t choose me for anything after that. but i chose him, when it came down to it.
[ it isn’t about danny. it is about danny. it’s always, always about kieren. ]
i don’t think i’ve ever had a brother who’s stopped and thought about me until after the fact lol
[ Petre doesn't remember if anyone's heard the full story of him and Caleb. Maybe so, maybe not; it's not the kind of tragic and gruesome tale that'd make him seem sympathetic, save for the few who might have forgiven the monster he is, or the ones who are equally as monstrous.
Surely Jem knows her Petre would be just as an unreliable narrator as this one is. There's always a little bit of truth in there, though, even if it's only enmeshed in the hurt that it caused him. ]
there was this guy called Caleb this was a lot time ago he was the first i cared about after vaerqui made me, i guess i wasn't with him the whole time because i had other shit to do
[ And when they were together, Petre didn't let him do anything but be with Petre. The little monster was jealous, possessive; oppressed him, blamed him if he didn't give him everything he demanded. Still, the teenager at the time was intoxicating to the man, lost his virginity to him and didn't even tolerate the idea of Caleb going to anyone else after that. ]
I mean it's not like he was the only guy that mattered to me that's always gonna be vaerqui but idk when they were together i wanted to be the only thing that mattered to him and i thought i was
[ His thoughts halt. They harden, walls being built brick by brick. ]
the motherfucker left me he chose someone else
they're always gonna choose someone else
[ A self-directed truth, or a warning. Both, even if it's on accident. ]
[ she doesn’t say: i chose you. she doesn’t say she chose him, right at the end, and ended up here for the trouble. that she chose other people in his absence, because Jem just wants to be happy.
she doesn’t say that sometimes she is unhappy. that sometimes she’s so jealous and miserable it makes her sick, because that, like everything else she is and has been, is hypocritical, and selfish, and wrong. she feels like a shell of a human being sometimes, clawing desperately to remember right and wrong, the gospel according to how she remembers Kieren Walker. that’s unfair too; Kieren never asked for this, would never want the responsibility. but he’s never quite understood how desperately Jem needs the guidance; that she needs someone to point her right, otherwise she spirals. it all goes wrong.
under it all, Jem wonders: why am i never worthy.]
[ Pessimism seeping through. Maybe he feels it coming from her. Maybe they've both tasted the same poison so many times they can't even tell who is drinking it right now. ]
it's always going to be that way except with her everyone's gonna fuck me over everyone's gonna leave me when i fuck up even my stupid fucking brother
[ Wesley. Caleb wasn't even close to being family. Just a toy, until the day Petre realized he was the one Caleb didn't want to play with anymore. ]
the sooner you realize that the better that's my advice
yeah. and now people think i'm like, crazy lol. or a bitch.
and maybe i'm both. idk. it's exhausting, being here, trying to exist, to stay human, follow the rules, don't follow the rules.
i just want to be happy, with the people i care about. i just want to be able to look after those people, and have them idk respect me. want to keep me safe too. and if i fuck up, it puts them at risk. but everything i do feels like it's somehow a fuck up, so!
do something fucking insane anything that would fuck things up for you even more idgaf what, let your imagination fly then tell your buddies i made you do it they already wanna kick my ass anyway
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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do you think your sister would choose you
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of course she'd choose me
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good. it must be nice to know that.
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cw: talk of familial suicide, grief, not exactly blaming, unreliable narration
she pretends this is her Petre, just for a minute. just for a brief, indulgent stretch of a day. ]
kieren killed himself when i was 14.
he didn’t stop and think about how much i needed him. how much mum and dad needed him, or that we loved him, or that he was the thing that kept us all held together. he didn’t take a second to think about what it would do to me - to us. he didn’t choose me, he chose -
i know that isn’t fair. or even right, really, but he didn’t even really choose me when he came back. he said he was sorry, he said he missed me, that all he could think about was coming home to see me, but he still didn’t choose me for anything after that. but i chose him, when it came down to it.
[ it isn’t about danny. it is about danny. it’s always, always about kieren. ]
i don’t think i’ve ever had a brother who’s stopped and thought about me until after the fact lol
and i still miss him so much
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Surely Jem knows her Petre would be just as an unreliable narrator as this one is. There's always a little bit of truth in there, though, even if it's only enmeshed in the hurt that it caused him. ]
there was this guy called Caleb
this was a lot time ago
he was the first i cared about after vaerqui made me, i guess
i wasn't with him the whole time because i had other shit to do
[ And when they were together, Petre didn't let him do anything but be with Petre. The little monster was jealous, possessive; oppressed him, blamed him if he didn't give him everything he demanded. Still, the teenager at the time was intoxicating to the man, lost his virginity to him and didn't even tolerate the idea of Caleb going to anyone else after that. ]
I mean it's not like he was the only guy that mattered to me
that's always gonna be vaerqui
but idk
when they were together i wanted to be the only thing that mattered to him and i thought i was
[ His thoughts halt. They harden, walls being built brick by brick. ]
the motherfucker left me
he chose someone else
they're always gonna choose someone else
[ A self-directed truth, or a warning. Both, even if it's on accident. ]
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she doesn’t say that sometimes she is unhappy. that sometimes she’s so jealous and miserable it makes her sick, because that, like everything else she is and has been, is hypocritical, and selfish, and wrong. she feels like a shell of a human being sometimes, clawing desperately to remember right and wrong, the gospel according to how she remembers Kieren Walker. that’s unfair too; Kieren never asked for this, would never want the responsibility. but he’s never quite understood how desperately Jem needs the guidance; that she needs someone to point her right, otherwise she spirals. it all goes wrong.
under it all, Jem wonders: why am i never worthy.]
yeah
maybe.
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it's not maybe
[ Pessimism seeping through. Maybe he feels it coming from her. Maybe they've both tasted the same poison so many times they can't even tell who is drinking it right now. ]
it's always going to be that way except with her
everyone's gonna fuck me over
everyone's gonna leave me when i fuck up
even my stupid fucking brother
[ Wesley. Caleb wasn't even close to being family. Just a toy, until the day Petre realized he was the one Caleb didn't want to play with anymore. ]
the sooner you realize that the better
that's my advice
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have you tried not caring about fucking up
since it doesn't get us anywhere
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and now people think i'm like, crazy lol. or a bitch.
and maybe i'm both. idk. it's exhausting, being here, trying to exist, to stay human, follow the rules, don't follow the rules.
i just want to be happy, with the people i care about. i just want to be able to look after those people, and have them idk
respect me.
want to keep me safe too. and if i fuck up, it puts them at risk. but everything i do feels like it's somehow a fuck up, so!
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Hmmmmm. ]
i got an idea
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do something fucking insane
anything that would fuck things up for you even more
idgaf what, let your imagination fly
then tell your buddies i made you do it
they already wanna kick my ass anyway
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no thanks
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anyway that's my one time scapegoat card
up to you
just give me a heads up so i can play the part
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bad girl?
idk who cares
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